


You are Nicolas Fuckin' Cage : A Nicolas Cage Text Adventure

by LesbianSpacePirate



Category: Nicolas Cage - Fandom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-09
Updated: 2019-12-09
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:21:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21735964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LesbianSpacePirate/pseuds/LesbianSpacePirate
Summary: A procedurally-generated Nicolas Cageventure.





	You are Nicolas Fuckin' Cage : A Nicolas Cage Text Adventure

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is a weird one. I consider it a collaborative piece, written by me and AI Dungeon 2 (http://www.aidungeon.io/), a procedural text adventure generator. I hope you enjoy it, because I certainly did. I gave it the prompt "You are Nicolas Fuckin' Cage" and worked from there. There are a few spelling and punctuation fixes, but, besides those, this is *exactly* how the interaction between me and the AI went. Seriously.

**> You are Nicolas Fuckin' Cage.**

_You are Nicolas Fuckin' Cage. You are a fucking idiot, but you're not stupid enough to think that just because you've been given the opportunity to be free of your past and all its consequences that you aren't going to take i_   
**  
> Star in another shitty movie.  
**   
_"I'm sorry," you say again. "I'll do better"._

_"Well, I guess we can try again sometime," she says._

**> Ask who she is.**

_"What's your name?" you ask.  
"Nicole".  
"Nice to meet you, Nicole".  
"Same here".  
"So what brings you out here if it isn't work? What's your job exactly?"_

**> Say I'm an actor.**

_"Yeah, I play a character on the TV show 'The Vampire Diaries'. It's pretty popular  
right now"._   
**  
> Say I played a vampire once too. It was tight.**

_"Oh yeah, that was fun! That was my first time playing a vampire and I had so much fun doing it! It was really cool!"_   
**  
> Ask if Nicole's name is Cage too.**   
_  
"Cage? No, not at all. My real name is Nicole and my boyfriend's name is Nick"._

**> Ask if her surname is Cage.**

_"No, my last name is Cage too"._

**> Your last name is 'Cage too'?**

_"Yep"._

  
**> Say that's weird.**   
_  
"It's fine, I get it. I just thought it would be funny to hear your last name as well"._

  
**> My last name is Cage.**

_"That's very kind of you, but I don't think I have a last name like yours"._

**> Your last name is almost exactly the same as mine, but with 'too' added to the end.**

_"You got a last name like mine or something?"_

  
**> Yes, that's what I just said.**   
_  
"Great, thanks for telling me. So how old are you?"_   
**  
> Tell her I'm 55 years old.**   
_  
"Wow, you're older than me! I didn't know people could live past their mid-twenties"._

  
**> They don't. I've been a ghost of a man for thirty years.  
**   
_"Well, I guess I am older than most people. I'd forgotten about that fact until you told me about your age"._

  
**> Ask Nicole how old she is.**   
_  
"Hmm... I dunno. I mean I suppose I'm over fifty, but I don't remember when I was born. I guess it must be around 1950"._

  
**> Ask why she doesn't remember.**

_"Because I died twenty years ago"._

  
**> Let go.**

_"Okay, okay, whatever. Thanks anyway"._

  
**> Try to forget Nicole.**

_"Hey, you should come back to visit me more often".  
_   
**> Shake your head. The memories are too painful.**

_"Thanks for visiting me, but I really need to get some sleep"._

**> Let her sleep.**

_"Alright, see ya later"._   
**  
> Walk aimlessly down the rainlogged alleyways, trying to clear your head.**

_A few days pass and you find yourself walking along the streets of the city. You wander through the alleys and eventually find yourself in front of a small building_   
**  
> See what the building is.**

_You enter the building and find yourself in a basement. There's a door at the far end of the room and you knock on it. A voice comes from inside. "Who's there?"._   
**  
> Introduce yourself as Nicolas Fuckin' Cage.**

_"Hello, I'm Nic Cage and this is my friend Nicky Cage"._

**> Say hello to the two of them.**

_"Hi, Nicky and Nicole, nice to meet you both"._

**> Correct myself. I meant to say 'Nicky', not 'Nicole'**

_"Ah, sorry, I forgot my manners. Anyway, who's this other guy?"_

  
**> Ask 'Which other guy?'**

_"Oh, he's our neighbor, John Doe. He lives across the street from us and we usually talk to him about life in general"._

  
**> Ask if John is happy.**

_"Yeah, he's pretty much contented with his lot in life. We used to play catch with him once in a while though"._

**> Ask why we can't be happy too.**

_"I dunno, maybe because I'm a ghost and all.."._

**> Excuse yourself and make a quick exit.  
**   
_"See ya later, Nic"._

**> Return to your mansion.**

_You spend the rest of the day wandering around the city and nightfall arrives. You decide to take a break from your usual routine and go explore the nearby forest. After a while you spot a large figure standing near the edge of the woods_

**> Ask the figure if it's another me.**   
_  
"It sure looks like it, but it's not me. It's a ghost, so it's probably one of those things that look human, but aren't really"._

**> Ask the grim spectre what it wants.**   
_  
"Um, nothing really, I just wanted to thank you for saving my life yesterday"._

**> Remind it that it's dead.**  
 _  
"Oh yeah, right. Sorry about that, I got carried away with it being a ghost and forgetting that it wasn't me".  
_ **  
> Ask the ghost which Nic it is.**

_"That would be me, yes. I was looking out for you last time, so I thought I'd do it again today"._   
**  
> Ask him how he can be so optimistic, surrounded by the ghosts of the past.  
**   
_"Well, I think that's obvious, but I'll tell you anyways. My name is Nic Cage and I live here in this house with my wife, Jennifer and our son, Owen".  
_

**> Tell him it's my house, and nobody lives there any more.**   
_  
"Oh, well that makes sense. Well, thanks for letting me stay here, I guess. See ya!"._

**> Solemnly wave goodbye.**

_The ghost disappears into thin air and you're left alone in your home. You've made peace with your situation and have moved on with your life. You don't know where the hell the ghost came from or what it wanted, but you were glad to have met it_  
 **  
> See if there's anything to drink.  
** _  
You open up the fridge and find that it's empty. You wonder if you should check the cupboards or something, but you're still hungry so you grab a piece of meat off the table and eat it. It tastes good and you feel better after eating_

**> Be overcome by the hunger once again.**

_You start feeling the same hunger as before, but this time it's even worse than before. You quickly realize that you haven't eaten anything since lunchtime and you begin to panic._   
**  
> Go out into the city.**

_You decide to go out into the city to try and get some food. You walk down the main road and see people going about their business. You also notice that there are no cars anywhere near the house. You assume that someone must have taken them away_

**> Look for prey.**

_You continue to search the area, but you find nothing. The only thing you find is a bunch of trash and broken glass. You then realize that you need to leave soon, because you're getting hungry again._   
**  
> Dig through the trash.**   
_  
You dig through the trash until you find a can of tuna fish. You put it back in the fridge and head back outside. You walk along the sidewalk and see people walking around. They seem to be doing okay, but you suddenly hear a noise behind you_

**> Eat the stale tuna.**

_You turn around and see a man holding a can of tuna fish over his head. He screams and falls backwards onto the ground. He tries to crawl away, but you stop him._

**> Bash his skull in with the can of tuna.**

_You run forward and smash the can of tuna over his head. His body crumples and he dies instantly_

**> Feast.**

_You finish off the can of tuna and immediately feel full. You then notice that you've been carrying around a can of tuna in your pocket all this time. You pick it up and eat it._

**> Take the man's corpse home.**   
_  
You take the man's corpse home and throw it in the trash. You then go back to your own room and fall asleep_   
**  
> Have restless dreams.**   
_  
You wake up and find that you've woken up early. You remember seeing a man in a black suit earlier, but now you're confused. You try to recall who that might have been, but you can't_

**> Was it John Travolta?**

_You shake your head "No, that couldn't have been him". You then try to remember if it was anyone else. You remember that you saw a woman earlier, but she didn't look like Nicole._

**> Inspect the man's corpse.**   
_  
You examine the man's corpse and see that he died of a heart attack. You then remember that Nicole had said that she was having nightmares about her father and that she woke up crying._

**> Ask the dead man who he was.**   
_  
You stand up and walk towards the man's corpse. You kneel down and whisper "Who are you?"_

**> Go to work.**

_You slowly approach the man's corpse and begin to dissect him. You work at it for several hours, until finally you succeed._

**> Become the man.**

_You become the man, and you feel much different. You feel strong and powerful, and you feel like you could kill anyone with ease. You're very happy with yourself  
_   
**> Go to the film set. You are needed.**   
_  
You hurry to the film set and you're immediately attacked by a group of men armed with guns. You fight them off and they don't hurt you, but you don't want to just sit around doing nothing. You rush out of the building and run to the set_   
**  
> Say your lines.  
**   
_You rush to the set and begin to speak your lines. A few days later you're called to the studio and given a script. You read through it and give it a quick rewrite. Then you're told to meet with the director._   
**  
> Meet with the director.**

_You arrive at the studio and are greeted by the director. He looks tired and has a cane in one hand. He smiles when he sees you and asks you if you'd like to play a part in the movie._

**> Say that you would like that very much.**

_You agree and he tells you to meet him in his office. When you enter his office he sits down across from you and says "Now, let's talk"._

**> Ask him about the movie.**

_He explains that he wants you to play a role in the movie. He says that he needs someone who will act tough and angry, but not too aggressive. He mentions that he's thinking of using a character named 'Ricky'_

**> Agree to become Ricky.**   
_  
You agree and he takes you to his trailer where you're introduced to the rest of the cast._

**> Meet the cast.**

_The next day you meet the rest of the cast and they introduce you to the crew. After a while you learn what the movie is about. It's about a gangster who is trying to take over New York City.  
_   
**> Ask if Ricky is the gangster.**   
_  
They tell you that Ricky is the gangster. You think about it for a moment and then say yes.  
_   
**> Ask where Ricky is.**   
_  
They tell you that Ricky lives in a mansion in the city. They also mention that there's a lot of trouble going on there._

**> Go to Ricky's mansion.**

_You get into your car and drive to the mansion. You park near the gate and wait for a couple of minutes before you start driving. You park near the front door and walk inside. The place is dark and empty. You walk past a large living area and into a small kitchen area_

**> find Ricky.  
** _  
You walk along the hallways and find a door leading to a bedroom. You open the door and find a naked woman lying on the bed. She wakes up and looks at you. She's dressed in a nightgown and doesn't seem to be aware that you're even here_

**> Keep looking for Ricky.**   
_  
You continue walking around the house and eventually come across a staircase. You climb the stairs and enter another room. This room is filled with bookshelves and other furniture. There's a desk against the wall and a lamp hangs above it_   
**  
> See if there's anything inside the desk.**   
_  
You search the desk and find a briefcase. You open the case and pull out a key and unlock the desk. Inside you find a briefcase. You put the briefcase on the desk and close it. You then turn around and leave the room._

**> Ask the woman if Ricky is here.**   
_  
She nods and points to the desk. You nod and point to the desk as well. She nods again and points to the desk. You both go back to talking and soon after you're finished you're heading back to the set._   
**  
> Become Ricky.**   
_  
You're excited to play Ricky. You're nervous though. You're worried that you'll mess things up or something. You're also worried that you won't be able to do it. You worry about how you're going to act and whether you'll be able to pull this off_

**> Go to my dressing room.**   
_  
You go to your dressing room and lock the door. You then grab a pair of black pants and a t-shirt and put them on. You then slip into a pair of leather boots and a belt. You then put on a mask and gloves. You then head out into the street_

**>** **Ask the director for my script.**

_You head to the director's trailer and knock on the door. He opens the door and greets you. He asks you to follow him outside. You follow him outside and he leads you to an old warehouse. He shows you some papers and tells you to stay quiet_   
**  
> Ask him what this is about.  
**   
_He explains that he needs you to play a part in the movie. He says he needs someone who will act tough and angry, but not too aggressive. He mentions that he's thinking of using a character named 'Ricky'_

**> Read the script.**

_You look through the script and you notice that it's very similar to the one you wrote. You realize that you've been hired to play the same role twice now. You wonder why you're being paid twice as much for the same job_

**> Ask the director why there are two men named Ricky.**

_He tells you that there are two men named Ricky and that have been hired to play the roles of Ricky and Jimmy. He says that he needs someone who can act tough and angry, but not too aggressive_

**> Act tough and angry, but not too aggressive.**

_You decide to act tough and angry, but not too aggressive. You try to make yourself appear intimidating, but not too aggressive. You try to be threatening, but not too violent. You try to be mysterious, but not too cryptic. You try to be mysterious, but not too_

**> Read your lines.**  
 _  
You read through your lines and they sound good. You feel confident and you enjoy your performance. You don't really want to mess things up so you don't change any more lines  
_ **  
> Do your job.**

_You finish reading your lines and you return to your trailer. You check your watch the movie again and enjoy it. You return to your trailer. You check your phone and check your emails. You check your voicemails and messages. You check your voicemail and you finally fall asleep_

**> Dream of Ricky.**   
_  
You wake up and realize that you're still dreaming. You look around and see that you're in a warehouse. You see a man wearing a suit and hat standing nearby. He smiles at you and speaks to you_   
**  
> Ask the man wearing a suit who he is.**   
_  
He tells you that he's Ricky and that he's from New York City. He mentions that he's been hired by the director to play the film  
_

**> Kill him.**   
_  
You decide to kill Ricky and then you begin to run towards him. You jump onto the floor and attempt to stab him. You manage to stab him several times until he falls backwards and hits his head on the floor  
_   
**> Check if Ricky is still alive.**   
_  
You check Ricky's pulse and he's dead. You then check his breathing and he's gone. You don't know where he went  
_   
**> Open him up and wear his skin.**   
_  
You take Ricky's skin and wrap it around your own hands and you hold it tightly. You feel cold and you feel warm. You feel hungry and you feel full. You feel...  
_   
**> Wake up as Ricky.**

_You awaken as Ricky and you stand overjoyed to eat. You're hungry and you're full and you're full. You're happy and you're happ_

**> Be an actor.**   
_  
You're an actor. You're happy and you're happy. You're happy and you're happine. You're happy and you're happine. You're happy and you're happine you're happine_

**> Be Nicolas Fuckin' Cage.**

_You're Nicolas Cage. You're happy and you're happy. You're happy and you're happine. You're happy and you're happine. You're happy and you're happine. You're happy and you're happine.._


End file.
